A Toxic Ex Can Make Co-Parenting Hard – Auckland Divorce Coach
Parenting can be challenging for divorced parents, especially if they had a bitter legal battle resulting in a settlement that neither of them wanted. However, most parents can prioritize their children’s needs despite the difficulty they may face following the divorce. Conversely, some parents struggle with co-parenting with a negative former spouse, causing them resentment, self-doubt, and overwhelm. This is not a favourable environment for good parenting says an Auckland divorce coach.
Seven Ideas For Coping With A Toxic Ex
1 Conflict Is Inevitable
Despite being counterintuitive, some people anticipate their toxic ex-partner to demonstrate rational behaviour, and prioritise their children’s needs. However, the reality is that such exes feed off conflicts and are responsible for creating them. Furthermore, they delude themselves into perceiving conflicts being the result of the other spouse, not themselves.
Over the years, they will have learned what triggers you, and they will press those buttons as often as they can.
To ensure your protection during divorce, it’s crucial to inform your lawyer and Auckland divorce coach about your ex’s character. It also helps coaches in devising better strategies according to your unique situation.
Put tactics into place such as scheduled drop-off times, and places. The ex will try to manipulate those but stick to them. If the rules are clear, there is less room for conflict.
Having school or kindergarten as the pick-up / drop-off point is a good idea. This is because the other partner must be there at the agreed time. They cannot be late or simply fail to turn up as they could easily do if the home was the agreed place. It is easier for the ex to leave you with the children than the school.
Similarly, set a schedule for school holidays well in advance of the dates so that the other spouse knows their times and obligations. Again, this will lead to less argument.
2 Set Clear Boundaries
This is linked to the school and drop-off times. Once these are in place, do not deviate from them. The toxic ex will try to assert control by not sticking to agreed times. They will use numerous excuses but stick to your guns.
3 Do Not Defend Your Standpoint
The other person will try to confuse you or accuse you of things. When they ask a question or make a statement, answer firmly, but you do not have to justify what you are saying.
The minor issues like clothes not put away that might anger them will be irrelevant in front of a judge who will be making a decision about what is best for the child.
The more you respond in detail to your former spouse, the more ammunition they have to niggle you. They will think that they are winning.
4 Record Everything
It is a good idea to record the failings of the other side. For example, if they are late collecting the children, or if they do not turn up at all.
When you get to court, if you can show the judge that there is a consistent failure on the ex’s part, that will stand you in good stead.
This record will be useful when you are establishing a parenting agreement.
5 Look After Yourself
In an airliner they tell you to give yourself oxygen before you look after anyone else. It is the same in a divorce. It is tiring and stressful. But you cannot look after your children if you are in a constant state of exhaustion.
Be sure to get some relaxation, exercise, have a good diet, and don’t drink excessively.
6 Be Careful Who You Listen To
Friends and family are full of so-called wisdom. They rarely know the full legal implications of what they are saying. Further, they are likely to stoke the fire about the toxic ex.
Others might think the spouse is a good person because they haven’t experienced the toxicity that you have.
Yet more people might advise conceding to the other person. This will only strengthen that person’s grip and control over you.
Talk to an expert like a lawyer or a divorce coach.
7 See An Expert
Do this as soon as you can. This might be a divorce lawyer or a coach but start the legal ball rolling.
Summary
If you are going through a separation and have children, talk to your lawyer so that you can get a firm and clear understanding of your rights.
It can also be helpful to hire an Auckland divorce coach too. They can give you additional guidance, coping mechanisms, and ways to parent with a toxic ex.
Adrianne McLean has plenty of experience with couples divorcing. Click here for more information on the topic of co-parenting with a toxic ex.